There are no rules about how separated parents should share time with their children during the holidays. Here are tips from two experts.
November 18, 2021 | No rules exist to determine how separated parents should divide the time spent with their children during the Christmas holidays. It is up to them to agree to specify the terms. How to do it? Here is advice from a family mediator and a lawyer*.
It's normal for both parents to spend time with their children during the holiday season. If no agreement on this subject has yet been planned, there is still time to plan this schedule, because there are usually several activities to be negotiated between parents.
How to organize the holiday calendar?
To define the holiday calendar, the parents can start from what was done before their separation and see if that is what they want to keep as an agreement. Lorraine Filion, social worker, family mediator and co-parenting coach, suggests that parents try, as much as possible, to maintain the habits that already exist. "For example, if the children used to celebrate December 24 at their maternal grandparents, it's a good idea to keep it," said the mediator. Especially for the first Christmases. This brings more stability and it's less painful for everyone : children and parents alike. »
It is also suggested to take into account the distances to be covered. If one parent celebrates with his family in Quebec and the other the next day in Montreal, it is preferable to divide this period in two. For example, children can celebrate Christmas with their dad and find their mom for the New Year's Eve. In this case, to limit the effect of a long separation, the parents can agree to organize a small virtual meeting (e.g.: Skype, FaceTime, Messenger) on Christmas morning or New Year's Day between the children and the absent parent.
Lorraine Fillion also advises parents to adapt the calendar to the age of the children. She notes that it can be difficult for a toddler under the age of 3 to be separated for several days from a parent . It is therefore preferable for each parent to have the child for a shorter period (eg two or three days). The mediator also reminds us of the importance of maintaining routine as much as possible (eg sleep, meals), even if it is a real challenge during the holiday season.
Celebrating with your ex, a good idea?Some parents decide to meet one evening during the holidays to please their children. It's not always a good idea. Parents also need to think about them and assess whether they are emotionally ready to do so. If this meeting is likely to cause them more pain than anything else, it is better to avoid it, believes Lorraine Filion. “It would not be desirable for parents to start crying in front of their children at Christmas. » Parents who choose to do so must avoid confusion by clearly explaining to the children that this meeting is exceptional and that it does not mean that they will come back together. |
For a good collaboration
Communications between separated parents are often a source of conflict. To promote good collaboration, Me Maxime Pouliot, family legal advisor, recommends that parents go to the essentials in their discussions. “If we write to each other by e-mail about the particular schedule of the holiday season, it is better to stick to a subject by e-mail. Attacks or comments about what hasn't gone well lately should be avoided . We go straight to the point by writing for example "The holiday season is coming, we must determine the schedule. Here is what I have in mind. What do you think?" And we are waiting for the answer. »
Separated parents can also choose to meet in person to organize the schedule. Ideally, this should be done in a neutral location, like a coffee shop, and they should basically stick to party planning.
Once the parents have agreed, it is important to put the schedule in writing with precise indications. For example, it is written that mom will pick up the children on December 24 after dinner at 1 p.m. and that she will bring them back on December 25 at 2 p.m., before naptime. “ The better it is written, the better it is respected, ” says Lorraine Fillion. It clarifies and pacifies things. »
Explain the calendar to children
As soon as the parents agree, they should tell the children how the holiday season will unfold to reassure them. Each parent can display a calendar on which it is possible to put a sticker representing one of the two parents on the days planned with him and do the same with the other parent. These visual cues help children understand when they will be with each parent. It can also be reassuring for a toddler to go back to this calendar to count, for example, the sleeps that separate him from when he will see his mother or father again when he is bored.
It's normal for a child to feel sad about not spending Christmas with both parents. We must take this emotion into account and help the child talk about it. For their part, however, parents must avoid sharing their sadness with their children. "Whatever his age, the child should never be the confidant of his parents", warns Lorraine Fillion. Instead, parents should talk about their emotions with loved ones or a professional.
When Parents Can't Get Along...
When it is not possible to agree together, parents can turn to mediation to reach an agreement on the organization of the holiday season with their children. If mediation does not work, then you need to call a lawyer. "The lawyers will talk to each other and advise their respective clients to help them reach an agreement," says Lorraine Fillion. And ultimately, if it doesn't work, you'll have to turn to a judge to decide. »
Going on a trip during the Christmas holidaysThis is less the case due to COVID-19, but the holidays can also be an opportunity for a parent to go on a trip with their child. What are the rules to follow? When one of the parents goes with the child to a cottage elsewhere in Quebec, he does not have to obtain the authorization of the other parent. “However, it is a good practice to warn him to keep him informed of the whereabouts of the child,” says Me Maxime Pouliot. However, as soon as you leave the country, you must obtain the written authorization of the other parent to travel with your child. “The other parent could oppose it, but it really takes serious reasons to prevent the trip, indicates Me Pouliot. For example, there must be a danger in the country visited or a serious risk of international kidnapping. » A model letter of authorization can be found on the Government of Canada website. The lawyer suggests to parents who wish to travel with their child to speak quickly to the other parent to obtain his authorization. “It avoids facing opposition the day before departure,” he says. |
* The comments of the experts are taken from a conference organized last week on Facebook by the JuridiQC service and from an interview with Lorraine Filion.
To learn more about the separation, consult our file The child at the heart of the separation.
Julie Leduc – Born and grown
Photos: GettyImages/svetikd and fizkes
